That Is Not A Batarang
by dayofwriting
Summary: Wally and Artemis are in Gotham to see Dick, but Dick runs into a spot of bother... Museum Heist, Wally/Artemis/Dick, rated for adult themes and implied smut at the end.


_You have got to be shitting me, _a very annoyed Dick Grayson thought to himself. He was _supposed _to be on his way to a date with two of his best friends who he hadn't properly seen in months. Sure, they would know all about how much heroing takes away from a person's schedule, especially when that person is a former Boy Wonder. But they were also his friends, and they deserved better. Sighing, he opened his jacket and pulled out his utility belt, strapping it on once he was down to his costume. He pulled a domino mask out of his pocket, and stashed his civvies.

Man, did this suck. Artemis and Wally already put up with enough of his shit as it was. He knew that they wouldn't stay mad for long, but he would still have to make it up to them somehow. Wally had sounded so pleased that he could actually join in for once. The couple was in Gotham for the weekend to visit some old friends. Mostly to make it easier to see Dick, knowing how hard it was for him to get all the way out Palo Alto. Batman and Robin were off somewhere in the Middle East doing god knows what, leaving Gotham in the hands of Nightwing.

Of course this was the night that there was a break-in going on at the museum downtown. Honestly, why would anyone put a museum in Gotham? Dick tried not to wonder why anything happened in Gotham anymore, because by all laws of standard logic it didn't make any sense.

He jumped roof to roof, scaled fire escapes, and cut through allies until he reached the museum roof. He looked in the skylight to the crime in progress below. Three black clad looters wearing ski masks were stuffing everything they could fit into one very large burlap sack. _Henchmen?! I get called in from my first night off in eight months for henchmen?_ This was absurd. On the bright side, he would likely be able to deal with these low-level thugs in very little time and be only minimally late to his dinner.

Dick pried open the skylight, and dropped in, planting his feet into the chest of the man who seemed the bulkiest. By the time the thief hit the floor he was already unconscious, so Dick only had the two less buff-looking guys to deal with. One of them pulled out a gun, and he reached into a pouch in the back of his belt for a batarang to disarm him. What flew from his hand moments later however, was most definitely _not_ a batarang. A small foil packet harmlessly bounced off of the gunman's stomach.

"—the hell?!" the man yelled, half expecting some kind of explosion, or at the very least, a little smoke. Dick blinked. The man holding the gun blinked. The third thief looked up from the painting he was stuffing into his bag.

On the floor between them all lay a condom.

"Hah! You think that's gonna stop us? A fuckin' condom? You gonna hafta do better than that, punk!" Though the man's confidence was reassured, it was short lived. Dick had already swung forward and kicked the weapon out of his hand knocked him down before he could pull the trigger. Still unnerved by the lack of batarangs in his possession, Dick pulled open another pouch and pulled out – a bottle of lube? He looked up to see the third, smallest thief trying to run away.

"I don't think so," Dick said smugly.

He lifted the bottle in his hand and opened the cap, shooting its contents out to the floor, where the man promptly slipped, and dropped his bag. Dick rounded the men up quickly and left them on the stairs for the police to deal with as he hastily left to change and find his friends.

When Dick arrived at their hotel room, he double checked the number on the door and knocked twice. Wally opened it wide with a big smile on his face.

"Dick! I'm so glad you made it, it's good to see you man. This one," he said, stepping into the room and gesturing to Artemis, who was curled up on the couch, "was sure you weren't going to show." He hugged Dick and shut the door, and Artemis pushed herself up from her place on the couch to greet her friend, and he noticed the rumpled "I *bat symbol* Gotham" shirt that was so big you almost couldn't see her rolled up jean shorts. He smiled and pulled her into a warm embrace as well, but he remained stoic once she stepped away.

"We already ate dinner, but there's some saved for you, I think there's a microwave in here somewhere…" Wally started, but seeing the expression on his friend's face made him stop. He looked at Dick questioningly. "You okay, man?"

"I see you had other plans for the three of us tonight," Dick said flatly, pulling his utility belt out and emptying the contents onto the table by their side. A handful of condoms, a few mini bottles of lube, and a couple of those tiny liquor vials spilled out before them. Realization struck Wally's face.

"Oh my g- you didn't go on patrol did you?" he asked incredulously. "You did! Oh my god you did! You promised- swore up and down that you'd taken the night off! Just the three of us! Dammit, Dick!" He was smacking the hero on the arm between each accusatory remark. Dick figured that would be the response, but he was determined not to be at fault here.

"I was the only one available to help, and I knew I'd have time left to come over." Wally seemed unimpressed by this argument. "For fuck's sake Wally, I threw a condom at an art thief!"

Wally opened his mouth to protest further, but instead ended up laughing. After a second, Dick and Artemis both appreciated the humor of the situation and cracked up as well. After a minute they were all collapsed in a pile on the couch.

"I guess I can't blame you for getting sidetracked. Sorry for replacing your weapons with condoms and lube. I know you keep the belt on you all the time and I thought it'd liven up our little party." Wally said, breaking the silence.

"I am sorry for breaking my promise, but at least I showed up, right? And I was able to use a bottle of lube to slip up one of the thugs, so everything turned out okay." Dick added. "Now, what do you say we put these to better use…"


End file.
